The Spirit of Christmas

What is that.....what does it mean? Those of you who follow this blog, know that I have struggled with the energy of "getting into it." I did, though, get to Florida, have been around family and most specifically a bunch of great kids. My sister's planned a wonderful Christmas Eve gathering. It was all looking good..........

My sister Kim, unfortunatly, had a miserable migraine, one which put her to bed. I have never seen my sister in such pain, and it was a terrible feeling not to be able to "do anything" for her. I am always trying to "fix" everything, and this time I could not.

Still, we carried on, the kids opened the pajamas they know they will get from Grandma/Nana and loved them......smiles on faces. Then we all packed up so the house could be quiet for the miserable migraine. I don't know if you have ever had one, but it is a feeling I cannot quite explain, you cannot move, think, or even sleep. A most terrible pain.....until it passes.

Then, on the way home, I recieved a call that will forever change my life. One of my friends, so despondent, so unable to deal with the "holiday spirit" took his life. I am empty, void of feeling at this moment. Only thoughts, if only I had called this afternoon when he passed through my mind......we had plans and I wanted to remind him of them. I knew he was fragile, and thought I would wait until Christmas day....to make sure he knew he was loved. And now, it is too late.
Do you hear me Ken. ARe you floating around me.....do you know how much you meant to me?
Do you understand that though I am sad I am also angry that you could be so selfish. You mean so much, we had so much to do, you were such a special person......one I will never be able to replace in my life. You gave me more than I had ever expressed to you.....you were one of my best friends, I had grown to love our conversations and looked forward to so much more. I will miss you so very very much........when I pass through this void.....I hope that I will find a way to carry on the good that you had given to our tiny community in the mountains.

I admire, respect and love you Ken Porterfield. I trust in death, you will find peace. Meanwhile, I will shed a tear and miss you for a very long while................